Definition - When a woman begins a new regime of vitamins and takes them with very little food in her stomach. The vitamin starts to breakdown thus, creating the feeling of a gas powered grass cutter taking a joy ride through the woman intestines.
There, now don't you feel educated. This post was already worth it.
So have I ever told you about my maintenance man, Zoran?
With a sweet name like Zoran there has to be a good story, right?
So it is a completely made- up, unconfirmed, fraudulant-whopper of a fact that Zoran is an area authority for the Croation Mafia. I am convinced. A picture says 1,000 words. I don't have one.
So you will just have to trust....
The first time we met him he was dressed in a grey cuban shirt with a gold chain and some very protrudent chest hair. He was smitten with Ollie right off the bat. He proclaimed with great pride "Oliver is a Croatian name!". We were afraid to contradict, so Croatian it is.
When Zoran needs to speak with me about apartment business he raps on the door or window with his keys and shouts "hello! it's Zoran!". If I open the door before he identifies himself he chastises me "why you no ask who is there?". At least I know the C.Mafia has my back.
One time I had a friend come to visit. As she was waiting at the entrance of the apartment building Zoran came pouncing out of the bushes and nearly accosted her. She did look rather suspicious in her flip-flops and capris, toting a plate of brownies.
So, this morning and I was suffering from a case of Lawn Mower Belly when Zoran came thwacking at the back door window.
Me (holding Ollie): "Hi Zoran"
Zoran: "Hi Ollivare!" "Let me see your fridge!"
unlocking "the cage" so he can come in
the cage
Zoran looks at the fridge.
Zoran: "I bring you new fridge!"
*It should be noted that the our fridge was in perfect working condition.
Me: not wanting to question, guts churning "Kay".
Sure enough, about 2 hours later an unmarked truck pulled up and out popped 2 more mafioso desperadoes.
Ollie and I just stood and watched the thuggish fridgemen remove and replace a perfectly functional ice box for a newer perfectly functional ice box. Wonder what they will do with the old one.
I tried commenting to one of the ruffians that I couldn't believe they could carry a fridge up 3 flights of stairs with just 2 men. He didn't even make eye contact. It's like he wasn't even there.
A small exchange of cash and croatian and the fridgemen were gone...
.. a day in the life of a Hyde Parker.
NOW BECAUSE I LOVE YOU PEOPLE I MIGHT BE WILLING TO POST A PICTURE OF ZORAN. BUT IT MAY TAKE A LITTLE CONVINCING. SO IF YOU WANT IT YOU GOTTA MAKE ME BELIEVE. IT WILL BE A CHALLENGE TO MY PSYCHE TO EVEN ATTEMPT IT.
8 comments:
Well ya! We have to have a picture after a post like that. So buck up Hammond, prep your brain, and take the shot.
Cool. New Fridge. How Random.
Ehhh, we saw a Zoltar machine on the pier in Santa Monica, I think I am good...
You crack me up!
Careful love. Watch the first 15 minutes of The Godfather. Mafia-folks don't like getting their picture taken.
Do it Hammond, do it! I know how clever and sneaky you can be, I want to see you knock this one out of the woodworks. Bonus points for nice focus on the chest hair.
laughing so hard i'm speechless.
you are the best.
i agree with kenny, be careful when going about the picture business.
ha ha. still claughing at the "Ollivare!"
Forget the photo. This story is officially worth the cost of roundtrip airfare.
We need photo evidence. Sherm can shweet talk her way to anything.
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